Sometimes it seems that life gives me a never ending source of Dave Barry-like material, and that these columns seem to write themselves. Such is the case today.

I've spoken about my medical team on a number of occasions, and how pleased I am with them. One of the reasons I spend so much time talking about my excellent doctors is that I find them to be notable exceptions in what I feel is generally an arrogant profession.

The most common manifestation of P.A. - physician arrogance - is the notion that a doctor's time is more valuable than the patient's time. How many of you have waited for hours in a doctor's office, only to be rushed out as soon as you get in? A friend of mine recently had major back surgery. The doctor told him that he might not see the benefits from the surgery for up to nine months. I said to my friend, "Did you ask the doctor why it would take so long?"   He replied, "I didn't get a chance to. We only get to see him for two minutes at a time."

Sometimes P.A. manifests itself in other, more subtle ways. This morning I had to drive to Northside Hospital in Alpharetta to have a CAT scan done.  I drove into the parking garage and there were dozens of available parking spaces right by the door - ALL OF THEM RESERVED FOR PHYSICIANS.

Now let me see if I understand this correctly. The patients - the elderly, infirm, and sick - THE CUSTOMERS FOR CHRIST'S SAKE - are forced to walk further than the physicians for the pleasure of paying the physicians money to provide a service. Hell, even Dunkin Donuts figured this one out 30 years ago. Employees are required to park in the back to leave the best spots available for customers.

Bernie "Hannibal the Cannibal" Luber

My father, who owned a drug store for 30 years, also understood that the customer came first. I recall the time he taught an employee an important lesson in customer service in his own inimitable way.  The employee, a typical pimply teenager, was standing behind the cash register, leaning on the counter, his back to the customer.  Now you need to understand that my father was probably the inspiration for Thomas Harris's character Hannibal Lecter.  He was a scary looking dude even when he was smiling.  My father walked quietly up to the counter and stood in front of the cash register with his arms folded and a scowl on his face. Now look at the picture of my dad, man, and tell me if that wouldn't scare the crap out of you? My father waited patiently for about ten minutes. (What can I say - it was a slow business day.) The tension mounted. Finally, the employee turned around and found himself face to face with Hannibal the Cannibal. I can still hear his scream. Are the lambs still screaming, Clarice? Physician, heal thyself. You're no better than the rest of us. In fact, we are more important than you. We are the customers. Tonight, I am going back to that parking lot with a can of paint and a paintbrush. Tomorrow, those parking spaces will read Patients Only.  As my father used to say, "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke."

Click on the link below to learn about Alan Luber's new book
 PC Fear Factor: The Ultimate PC Disaster Prevention Guide!